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“I just don’t love her anymore…”

I called to check on an old friend right after Labor Day. We talked for a couple of minutes before he dropped a bombshell. When I asked about his wife, he flatly stated “I just don’t love her anymore.”

I thought he was kidding…but he wasn’t. He went on to say that they had just grown apart. Their kids were all out of the house and he felt as if they were just roommates (his words). There was no excitement nor spark in their relationship.

I asked if they had tried counseling. He stated, “she’s become critical of anything and everything I do, so why would I subject myself to that sort of punishment?” He wondered aloud what life would be like if he just started over.

Thirty years, two kids, great careers and a beautiful home. But it was all crumbling inside.

I was stunned. How could this have happened to my friends? I carried this weight with me for weeks.

I thought about several of my friends who had successful, happy marriages. What was the secret to having a good marriage? I decided to contact them and ask. While the answers were all a bit varied, I found six central themes that I thought I’d share.

Find the good in your spouse and praise it. The world is cruel. We are surrounded by clouds of negativity everywhere we go. Think about all the negative influences that you encounter every day…and realize that your spouse experiences that too. A little encouragement goes a long way. Your home should become a safe place. Find aspects of their lives that they excel in…and tell them about it. Have they done something great at work? Applaud it. Did they look nice as they left for work this morning? Compliment them. A few kind words can not only brighten their day, but it starts a habit of having you look for the positive in people- and expressing it. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Date your spouse. Think about the things that you and your spouse enjoy and commit to doing them regularly. Many of the people I talked to said that they have a “date night” each week. They find a good restaurant or go see a movie. A couple said that they had struggled to find things that they had in common, so they invested in accompanying their spouse in things that they enjoyed (hiking, watching a television program together or going for a bike ride). Find a community service or church activity that you both can participate in on a regular basis. Commit the time and stay focused on making it a priority.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Things just aren’t always what they appear. We can’t compare our marriages to those we see on social media or in the community. Couples everywhere try to put their big smiles, perfectly-dressed kids and spectacular vacation destinations on display, but appearances don’t always show the pain and brokenness that might be present in their lives. Instead of comparing your marriage to those images of “perfection” around you, focus on what you can impact- which is your own marriage. What brings you contentment? What brings your spouse peace? Focus on THOSE things…the little things that can bring peace and joy to your relationship.

Don’t keep secrets. If theres’s a habit or behavior that is keeping you from a total commitment to your spouse- remove it from your life (or at least modify it). It might be something that keeps you away from home like a hobby or community activity. Or perhaps it’s allowing comparison (see above) to distract your focus from your first love. Or maybe it’s a secret desire that you are holding inside. Whatever it is, take an honest assessment of your inner thoughts and actions and commit to eliminating these from your life. I talk about counseling a bit later (see below), but finding a professional to talk to can help if you are struggling with tough issues. Many of the people I talked to suggested that having an accountability partner that focused on helping you maintain positive relationships. For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17

Pray with and for your spouse. Spend several quiet moments each day praying for your marriage, for your spouse (specifically) and for your life together. Commit to quietly doing this for several months. This year I’m reading Forty Prayers for My Wife and I would highly recommend it to others as well (there’s a companion book for spouses who pray for their husbands, too). Committing to pray for someone intensely makes an incredible difference in your spiritual life. It also draws you closer to the needs and desires of your spouse. And once you have established the routine of praying for your spouse, ask them to pray with you each day. Be intentional about this time together. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

Seek the help of experts. Many of the people I talked with stated that they visited a Christian counselor once a year or committed to marriage enrichment retreats and seminars. They admitted that the counseling was helpful to breaking down communication barriers and uncovering hidden hurts before they became overwhelming. They planned their visit(s) at the very beginning of the year and kept them on their calendars as priority events. Others said that they committed to spending time with couples that were in different stages in life that could mentor them. Spending time with others who want to invest in your relationship can only benefit both of you.

I’m not a relationship expert, but I’m grateful to know many people who are willing to share their marriage advice and wise counsel.

This year I am committed to praying for my wife and my marriage. She deserves my very best each and every day. I will also pray for marriages that are hurting, as we never know how our friends and neighbors are struggling. I will also commit to pray for those who have been wounded by broken relationships- and remain focused on the healing that only Jesus can provide.

And as always, let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless!

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A weeping waitress and a forgotten order

I had an unexpected encounter in a restaurant today.

I stopped in to grab a quick bite to eat. My mind was running a mile a minute, as I had a day full of activities I needed to plan out in my head.

The waitress came to take my drink order and I told her that I already knew what I wanted to eat. I quickly blurted out a simple order of bacon and eggs.

But she didn’t write anything down. She just stood there- studying my face.

I repeated my order, thinking maybe she was tired or maybe confused. But she continued to just look at me with a blank stare on her face.

We looked at one another for an awkward 5 seconds or so. She finally walked away toward the kitchen.

A couple of minutes later she walked back over to the table with my coffee and asked…”don’t you work at the college?” I told her that I did.

“I thought I recognized you. I saw you at graduation yesterday,” she said with a smile.

I returned her grin and told her that graduations were special and I always enjoy watching students celebrate at this special occasion. It’s a happy culmination of years of hard work, I explained.

She pulled out her phone and found a photo she wanted to share. The picture was of a smiling young woman in her cap and gown.

“This is my granddaughter. She’s had a rough road and life hasn’t been easy for her. She’s the first person in our family to attend and finish college.” She went on to talk about the long path her granddaughter’s life had taken her down…and that she had faced many challenges and overcome many past mistakes to get where she was right now.

“She’s found her way.”

Tears were streaming down her face. She sobbed and quickly walked away, apologizing to me over her shoulder.

As I walked out, I couldn’t help but think about the pain and hurt that grandmother had felt in the past…and the sense of pride and relief that she felt now.

I tried to imagine how God must feel when we return to Him.

We’re given a glimpse through various passages in the Bible.

So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Luke 15:3-7

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17

Joy over finding the lost sheep.

No condemnation, only salvation.

My prayer this week is to examine my own life and see what barriers I have placed in my relationship with our Savior. I will pray for the strength to address these challenges and to seek a closer walk with Jesus.

Please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless you!

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Keep Punching

We can learn a lot from adversity.

Jimmy Braddock was born into a poor family of Irish immigrants in 1905. His parents were hard-working and did all they could to support their seven children in the tough neighborhood of Hells Kitchen in New York City.

Jimmy dreamed of going to Notre Dame and playing for legendary coach Knute Rockne. But college wasn’t financially attainable and Jimmy went to work. He discovered that he had a gift for boxing, and after a series of successful amateur fights he turned pro at the age of 21.

He was known for his toughness and had a tremendously strong right hand. After three years, Jimmy had compiled an impressive 44-2-2 record. He was eventually given a fight against the heavyweight champion, Tommy Loughran in 1929. His successful career took a bad turn that night, as he not only lost his shot at the title, but he also damaged his prized right hand.

He went on to fight 33 more times after breaking his hand, but never returned to his prior glory- going 11-20-2 in that span.

Jimmy eventually found himself a forgotten, broken boxer. To make matters worse, the events surrounding the Great Depression created an unstable time for Jimmy and his family. He was unable to box. He was unable to find steady work. He had lost everything.

But something happened over the next several years. He had to walk many miles a day to the New York City docks to look for daily work. The manual labor he participated in each day not only strengthened and healed his right hand, but it made Jimmy’s left hand even stronger than his right. Jimmy’s health had improved, as had his resolve to better provide for his family.

He got the chance to fight professionally again- and he jumped at it. Jimmy was first regarded as simply a journeyman fighter…and easy victory for other young boxers. But Jimmy won his early fights. And eventually garnered enough attention that he was given another shot at the title in 1935. Fighting a much younger and much stronger champion, Jimmy overcame all odds and defeated Max Baer to become the heavyweight champion of the world!

What can we learn from Braddock’s story?

Life is all about valleys and peaks: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Think about the obstacles that Braddock overcame. He was born poor, rose to become a successful fighter, lost everything and then fought back to reclaim his career and life. But he learned from each and every lesson in life. We can too. Our trials teach us steadfastness and perseverance so that we may become complete. What are you learning during periods of adversity?

When you don’t know what to do, do what’s right in front of you: Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3

When uncertainty and doubt hit Braddock’s life, he did what came naturally. He knew he had to take care of his family, so he went to work. He did what was right in front of him…a singular focus on survival. We can have similar focus in our lives too. If we turn our eyes to Jesus and make Him our first priority, all our other plans will become clear. What can we do? Read the Bible. Study and reflect on the lessons. Worship and serve others. Pray diligently.

Learn and practice gratitude: Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

Braddock never forgot all the help he was given while he was a child and again as an adult when he lost everything. He repaid all the government assistance he and his family were given during the Great Depression. He joined the Army in WWII and trained soldiers in hand to hand combat. He later opened a construction business and provided many with an opportunity to make a good living. Braddock was grateful for what he had received. We should be too. Let’s have that giving spirit that comes from a relationship with Jesus. Let’s be thankful and give without hesitation to others.

My prayer this week is to look at obstacles as opportunities to learn and grow. Please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless. And keep punching.

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Envy: the thief of joy

I recently read a study that reported that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been in 50 years.

I completely understand it. We’ve faced the uncertainties of a pandemic. We’re seeing social unrest. We’ve been more isolated over the past 20 months.

We’ve also seen a spike in social media usage. As society has faced the frustrations COVID-19, the amount of time that people have turned to social apps on their phones and laptops has increased dramatically. We’re interacting with people less than we did 20 months ago, and we are turning to social media to fill a void. And that’s impacting our mental health too.

The uncertainties of our current lives coupled with an increase of social media usage has created an interesting dynamic: a dissatisfaction with our own lives. I fall victim to the urge everyday. Through online social media outlets I see people taking incredible vacations. I see happy children. I see impeccably prepared meals and smiling spouses. I read about successes in someone else’s job or office. I witness virtual reminders that people are running races, losing weight and winning awards.

I see people that have life all figured out.

And I’m envious.

Why can’t I have those things? When I look in the mirror, all I often see are imperfections. In my own mind, I feel doubt and second-guess decisions. I kick myself for past mistakes…and I certainly don’t have life figured out.

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings and not your own.” – Harold Coffin

We read many examples about envy in the Bible.

  • Cain and Able (Genesis 4:1-16)
  • Saul and David (1 Samuel 15-31)
  • The older brother and the Prodigal Son (Luke 15)

It’s one thing to recognize and acknowledge envy and comparison, but what can we do about it?

As Christians, I believe we have three ways to combat the “envy urge.”

  1. Celebrate the good in others. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11) We all have unique abilities. Take time each day to recognize the special gifts God has given others and praise them for it. Is someone a great cook? Praise their cooking! Has someone lost weight? Celebrate their success with them! By lifting others up, we might lighten a burden or insecurity that they are struggling with internally.
  2. Focus on YOUR talents. Comparing our talents to the talents of others isn’t healthy. What are talents? Find a friend, counselor or someone who can help you explore your own gifts. Figure out what YOU do well and focus on becoming even better. The only comparison we should struggle with is summed up in the following question: “Am I better than yesterday?” The focus should be on personal improvement, not the standards you set by comparing yourself to others.
  3. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10) A relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship that we can have. If we keep our eyes on Jesus, our work to love others, serve others and lift others up will fill our lives with joy, peace and happiness. Contentment comes from a close relationship and walk with Jesus.

“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between sun and moon. They shine when it’s their time.” – unknown

My prayer this week is to tune out the voices of defeat and insecurity in my own head. Please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless you.

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An open letter to graduates…

This week marks one of my favorite times of year on our campus: commencement. It’s a time to celebrate the accomplishments of our students and congratulate them on successfully navigating four (or more) tough years of college. Countless hours of studying, writing papers and preparing oral presentations have culminated in this one moment.

And this year, graduates worldwide have navigated an even tougher set of circumstances. The coronavirus has created many new obstacles for all of us- especially our students. Through it all, they just kept pushing.

And I’ve got a short message for this week’s graduates….wherever you are.

Dear graduate:

You’ve made it. Take a moment and breathe it all in. No…really. These past four years have been tough, but the past 13 months have been really difficult. You’ve reached an important milestone in life and you need to stop and celebrate!

Let me leave you with three quick pieces of advice as you move forward.

  1. You are tough. Over the past year you have faced every type of obstacle that is humanly imaginable. You’ve experienced remote learning, the threat of physical illness, and an uncertain economic outlook. Through it all, you’ve kept pushing. Learning. Surviving. Succeeding. Don’t think about what you didn’t get to do this past year. Instead, think about the new ways you have learned to cope with challenges and overcome them with creativity, grit and determination. Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
  2. Always give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s been a tough year. Most of us are carrying around a load of burdens and concerns. In a time when we need to come together and listen to each other, we’ve been isolated and alone. When you encounter someone who seems irritated, frustrated or withdrawn…remember that they may be experiencing a tough time and have a heavy heart. Give them grace and offer a smile. You never know what a kind word or nice gesture can do for a weary spirit. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
  3. Say “I love you” daily. As the world opens back up and you prepare for a new career and life adventures, you’ll be busier than you’ve ever been. Some of will be getting your first jobs. Others are starting graduate school or moving across the country. You’ll have countless new people to meet and new roles to learn. Through it all, don’t forget your family and friends. They’ve been there for you so far…and want to remain your support system as you move forward. Keep in touch with those special people in your life. Call them. Send them a quick note or text. Shoot them pictures of your new adventures. But most of all- tell someone you love them everyday. It’ll bring a smile to their face and the communication will brighten your day, too. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I wish you the best as you transition to the next phase of life. You can do anything and be anything. Don’t ever stop believing in yourself…or loving others.

All the best,

me

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Love Your Neighbor

I was driving to work earlier this week and witnessed a man cross his yard and pick up a poorly-thrown newspaper from his elderly neighbor’s yard…and go place it on her porch.

A simple, meaningful gesture.

A recent survey suggested that 55% of Americans are feeling more stressed than they were just a few months ago.

There are disagreements about the coronavirus and reopening our country. We are having tough conversations about race and justice. People are experiencing financial strain and social isolation.

There’s a lot to process. And it’s hard to know what to do.

A mentor once told me that when the world is chaotic and unclear, the best thing we can do is focus on what’s immediately in front of us…and act.

And what’s directly in front of me everyday? People.

My neighbors.

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 13:9

During times of great societal stress and strain, we can all do something to help our neighbors.  It’s truly simple…get out of “self” and into a “serve” mentality. Service doesn’t have to be a significant, public event. It can be as easy as paying someone’s electric bill. Or calling to check on the sick or homebound.

Or standing up for someone who desperately needs it. Your family. Co-workers. The child next door. 

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. Romans 15:2

Love your neighbor as yourself. And where are our neighbors? They are right in front of us.

My prayer this week is to have the awareness to recognize ways to serve my neighbors…and the courage to act.

And please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless you!

 

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Life as a Rodeo

I’ve read where life is 10% about what happens to you…and 90% about how you respond. I think that’s right.

And in many areas, you see that determination illustrated well in the sport of rodeo. You never know what horse or bull you’ll draw, but success depends on how you react and respond.

That’s magnified this week in Martin, Tennessee…where the university hosts an annual collegiate rodeo. This event draws thousands of participants to our community to watch athletes compete at the highest level. The students show grit, bravery and determination…the product of years of training and practice.

But this year is different. COVID-19 has cancelled this event.

It’s cancelled events all over the world. Sports. Concerts. Church services. 

It’s hurt business. And people. We feel powerless and afraid. 

We’ve drawn an enemy that we don’t quite know how to fight.

Adversity can create opportunity, however.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philipians 4: 12-13

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I don’t know what lessons we will learn from this experience, but we will be stronger. It may be six months or six years from now…but every obstacle provides an opportunity to respond.  And we must react from a position of faith.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

My prayer this week will be just as it was last week: development of a vaccine for the coronavirus and healing and recovery for all the people, businesses and organizations struggling in its wake.  And I pray that our response to adversity will be from a position of faith and resolve.

Please let me know how I may specifically pray for you.

God bless. 

 

 

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Three Lessons Learned from a Virus

What a difference two weeks can make.

Just a few short days ago, I was considering overseas travel this Fall. I was busy preparing for a business trip to Florida in April. The university campus where I work was filled with students coming back from Spring Break. Everyone was eating out, traveling freely and worshiping with friends. Life was good.

All of that has come to a sudden halt.

The coronavirus has now been labeled a worldwide pandemic. The United States now leads the world in confirmed cases. 

Schools are closed, sporting events are cancelled and travel is restricted. Americans are being encouraged to only go out when necessary. Social distancing has become a “thing.”

We are hurting: financially, educationally, emotionally and spiritually. 

The coronavirus has in Biblical terms, become a Goliath. 

But I’ve learned three key lessons in the past two weeks that I’d like to share.

  1. Human interaction is essential.  We’ve been asked to limit our exposure to others and the world is hurting…because we are built for fellowship! Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17.  We need to make certain that we are interacting with others on a daily basis…either on the phone, social media or an appropriately-spaced walk with neighbors! Companionship- in whatever form- is important.
  2. God’s beauty is manifested in the outdoors.  We’ve yearned for opportunities to get outside during the coronavirus episode. While we’ve been discouraged from shopping, dining out and traveling…simple activities like walking the neighborhood with family or taking drives along country roads have become an oasis in this time of isolation. On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate. Psalm 145:5 I’ve taken time to watch both sunrises and sunsets on several occasions in the past week. God’s glory is all around us in the outdoors. Get outside and enjoy his wondrous works.
  3. Focused prayer is crucial to building our faith.  I’m guilty of rushing through prayers each day. But my prayer life these past two weeks has been more specific than usual. Prayers for the struggling. Prayers for the medical professionals and first responders. Prayers for a vaccine. Prayers for the small businesses and schools. Intense, focused and intentional prayer. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24

It’s hard to see any silver lining, but my hope is that we emerge from this crisis a stronger, more humble nation. Many of life’s distractions are limited right now, so perhaps our focus can be on purposeful relationships with family and friends… and our walk with Jesus.

Please let me know how I may pray for you.

Jesus loves you.

God bless.

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Empty

I took this photo of my Jeep tonight as I left the office.

It’s been a wild seven days. Early last week, we had a campus of excited students and a myriad of activities. Within 24 hours we were shifting classes to online formats and letting students return to their homes. It’s like we flipped a switch.

And it’s not just here. The coronavirus has impacted lives all over the country. We’ve watched the situation overseas with interest in the Fall, but few realized how fast the virus would spread…and how quickly it would impact our lives.

We’ve been encouraged to stop gathering in groups. To isolate. To stay at home. The best way to stop the spread of the virus is to create distance from one another.

And like the photo of my Jeep indicates- it’s a lonely existence right now.

The Los Angeles Times ran a news story this week about how working from home, seeing empty shelves in stores and- yes- the plunging stock market can cause anxiety and depression. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention even talk about it on their website.

And man…I’m feeling it.

The Bible speaks quite a bit about times like these.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:6-8

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lordyour God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Tough times come. I’ve read about the plagues from 100 years ago. We’ve faced uncertain financial future before. Wars have ravaged our country and torn apart families. This earth is filled with uncertainty and fear.

But Jesus provides peace. He promises hope. He promises a future.

When I doubt myself or our future this week, I pledge to double-down in my prayer life.

When I’m anxious about our current situation, I will give it over to the One who cares for us beyond measure. I’m going to pray to the One who loves me unconditionally.

And when I feel empty, I’m going to ask Jesus to fill me with his love and blessed assurance.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Pray for me during these uncertain times. And please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless and keep you. Always.

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Please Lord….not me

Have you ever dreaded something you knew that you had to do?

I was studying Acts chapter 9 today and something struck me right in the heart.

The chapter starts with Saul (eventually known as Paul) persecuting and plotting murder against Christians. He had just picked up his latest “hit list” and was headed to Damascus. But God had other plans…and blinded Saul during his journey.

We know that the Lord then came to Ananias and instructed him to go to Saul and minister to him.

And Ananias was worried. Afraid. Scared.

“But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.”” Acts‬ ‭9:13-16‬

Despite his fear, Ananias went anyway. His trust for the Lord was greater than his fear of Saul.

How about you? Is your faith in our God bigger than your greatest fear?

What would you do for God’s kingdom if you knew you wouldn’t fail?

My prayer this week is to increase my faith. I want to be bold in my walk with Jesus and my personal ministry to others.

And please let me know how I may pray for you.

God bless you.

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